Dragonfly Messenger
For the first time in a long time, I felt hopeless.
My day comprised of a string of challenging events starting with a shitty morning (literally). My dog Ginger had an accident in the night and as I pulled the covers back and groggily stumbled out of bed, I stepped right in it. The day spiraled from there.
A couple hours later Ginger sprints into the kitchen amidst a flurry of high pitched barking and squealing. I follow her and find a mouse in her jaws. She drops it on the floor. It attempts to run for cover but its entrails spill out its side. It was horrifying to watch it lie there gasping for air. It would soon die.
Later, attempting to distract myself from the dramatic morning, I opened up Facebook to find a picture of a man who hunts and traps wildlife for a living, grinning proudly as he bends over a dead wolf mother, while her pup, caught in a leg trap, howls and drips in blood nearby. I'm. Furious. My mind immediately goes to all of the ways I could torture that man if I was in a room with him. I'd start with snapping that leg trap around his neck... but I digress.
I GO OUTSIDE AND SIT DOWN IN THE SUNSHINE, A GROWING INFERNO OF ANGER INSIDE ME.
I try to scream but nothing comes out. My head collapses into my hands. Why is there so much suffering?
A few minutes pass when I catch a glimmer of light out of the corner of my eye. A dragonfly with iridescent orange wings lands on a plant near me. I sit motionless observing its beautiful strangeness.
It stays there, perched on a stem for an unusual amount of time. I begin to feel as if it's there just for me. Then, I hear, 'Hey sad one. Perk up! There's plenty of beauty in this world too. Just look around!' Whether my mind was comforting itself or the dragonfly was telepathic didn't matter. I looked up at the immense redwood canopy above me and the most beautiful blue sky with high wispy clouds. A deep breath filled my chest.
I DID SOME RESEARCH ON THE DRAGONFLY.
It turns out the dragonfly lives out most of its life (up to 3 years) underwater as a wingless nymph until one day, everything changes-- the nymph walks out of the water and looks for a good, sturdy plant to climb. Over the course of the next few days, its body liquifies inside of its exoskeleton and then, miraculously, it changes into an entirely different insect. Soon after, it busts out of its old shell and emerges a new and transformed winged creature.
THE TRUTH IS THAT I'VE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE IN SOME FORM OF SUFFERING.
I've been particularly drawn to sadness and anger. It's undeniable that our world is full of suffering and there's a lot to feel sad and angry about. Living in the woods gives me a first row seat to suffering and death on a regular basis. It can be intense to be strolling along and come upon a dying animal or half eaten carcass...
Also, in the quiet spaciousness of nature, devoid of distractions, deeply repressed emotions frequently rise to the surface.
TURNS OUT, NATURE IS THE PERFECT MODEL OF TRANSFORMATION, AND LUCKY FOR US, WE ARE NATURE!
Suffering and death are never the end point. Life both thrives and suffers until one day it dies to support new life. Both life and death are equal parts of nature and depend on each other to continue on. One isn't good and the other bad. They are both necessary parts of the life cycle. Life exists BECAUSE of death and decay.
So, how perfect that a dragonfly would pay me a gentle visit that hopeless day with its message of beauty, transformation and new life. It made me realize how easily I can get stuck in the suffering and death stage of the life cycle and who wants to spend so much of their precious time on earth in the compost (or as an undeveloped nymph)?
NATURE IS TEACHING ME THAT I DON'T HAVE TO SHAME MYSELF FOR FEELING OR EXPRESSING SADNESS, ANGER OR EVEN RAGE.
I can accept these parts of myself as a natural part of life but also allow them to change me, to transform me and move me along through the compost, through the death stage of the cycle and back into the light. Simply sitting and being with the rage and sorrow in me that day felt enlivening somehow.
Most of us try to avoid pain by numbing it out with various substances or food. Rather than sit and feel our pain, we distract ourselves with Facebook, tv, work, obsessive exercise, porn, shopping, general "busyness," etc. As scary and isolating as it may be to sit in the pain, the alternative is no longer becoming an option for many of us. We know where those distractions/addictions ultimately leave us-- feeling hollow, numb and unable to Feel.
We do whatever we can to avoid the suffering/death stages, but what I’ve found living in the woods is that exploring my suffering is actually where the richness of life is, and the precursor to my creative power and growth as a human being.
PAIN IS THE COMPOST STAGE OF LIFE.
Perhaps you’ve noticed, even in our deepest pain there is an aliveness and a cracking open of our thick armor. The pain drives us to become something greater— more open, more accepting, more resilient and more graceful as we navigate life’s transitions. Pain also plays a crucial role in creating social change. It builds compassion and a greater capacity to be with the pain and suffering of others. Perhaps most importantly, it often compels us take action around those things in our culture that cause suffering and need changing.
THE DEATH CYCLE IS WHERE TRANSFORMATION HAPPENS AND A NEW LIFE OR WORLD BEGINS.
We’re not alone in our pain. It’s ok to stay a little while, feel it, reflect and even ask questions. What I'm finding is that when I stop fighting it and surrender to it, the pain softens me and then, nature (my true nature) can take over.
At that point, all we have to do is look up and around. Life will undoubtedly send us a gentle messenger of beauty, hope and change.
