According to author Francis Weller, community no longer exists in the Western World. “We have collectives of individuals, but we no longer have true community.” For a population who largely equates community with their social media groups and followings, but where deeper, authentic connections are rare and even more rarely sustained, I have to agree. Without the accountability of the village, we’ve grown accustomed to hiding our real experiences behind grinning selfies, photos of our pets, and memes. Everyone is vying for the most “likes” and “views” but our deeper needs of belonging aren’t being met.
We live in a culture that values individualism above all else and we’re seeing the lonely and isolating effects of this, especially on social media where being liked has an actual algorithm and where advertisers are benefitting monetarily from our needs for connection and to belong. We even had a President who Tweeted obsessively and unabashedly calls himself the greatest President that ever was. It may seem funny on the surface, but there's a sad and even dangerous underbelly to all the pretense. That dangerous underbelly is narcissism. While narcissism may seem innocuous, it is anything but. Affecting all ages, socio economic groups, and races, the epidemic of narcissism is wreaking havoc across Western culture and having devastating effects in people’s personal lives.
First, it’s important to note that narcissism is gauged on a spectrum. Because we are all steeped in a highly narcissistic "me" obsessed culture, we have become unable to see that the very water we swim in is polluted. Because we have all been socialized into narcissistic coping strategies and ways of relating, we all fall on the narcissism spectrum somewhere.
While we all have narcissistic tendencies, not everyone is a clinically defined “narcissist.” Those who fall at the far end of the spectrum have what is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is characterized by an unusual preoccupation with power, control, extreme selfishness, and abusive behavior towards others. At the root is a disconnection from life and a healthy sense of self. This article deals with my experience and those I've known who have been in direct relationship with people with NPD. Fortunately, more and more is being written about narcissism and so more are feeling safe to share their stories. Since I began speaking out about my experience with a narcissistic brother, dating several narcissists, and losing a friend to suicide from narcissistic abuse, I've had many people reach out to me and tell me of their own stories.
Most recently I was sitting in the park with a friend who hasn't been himself since returning from a year he spent in Southern California. He described the depression he developed after losing his dog who died during his time there, and then meeting a fellow traveler who befriended him in his grief only to later turn on him. According to my friend, the man who befriended him repeatedly mocked and belittled him, and at one point handed him a noose he'd made out of rope telling him to "snap out of it [his grief] or do everyone a favor and hang yourself." Worn down, my friend eventually gave the man everything in his bank account and hopped on a train north, knowing if he didn't get away from this man, in his weakened state he might just end his own life (a sad and common fate for many victims of narcissistic abuse). Two years later, my friend is no longer the same light hearted, loving, bright, free spirit he once was. The twinkle in his eyes is gone, replaced with a blank stare. He has lost weight on his already thin frame and is missing the vitality he was once known for.
I know the dark place of despair he is in. I was there 4 years ago, barely 90 pounds, recovering from a narcissistic abusive relationship with a dangerous man. At the time that I met him, I was also deep in grief and recovering from the death of a friend, a beautiful singer/songwriter who had taken her life after a string of traumatic events that began with a narcissistic abusive relationship. Because narcissists need power, they often attach themselves to those who are in weakened states from grief or illness, or who are highly sensitive types such as empaths, healers, or those who co-dependently believe they can rescue, save, or heal them.
Sadly, my friend Lisa found herself with PTSD in the aftermath of her relationship with a narcissist, which caused her to make a string of poor decisions about her health, one that resulted in her acquiring permanent facial paralysis. She came to stay with me a few months after the paralysis set in. By then she was bone thin and experiencing constant psychological “trauma loops”. Her family, friends and I did everything we knew to help her, but we didn't understand that she had something known as Complex PTSD, a type of trauma that occurs progressively and cumulatively over time. Despite her repeated claims that she needed trauma therapy, she didn't get the treatment she needed and tragically took her life two months after coming to stay with me.
In my own case, my ex presented himself as a compassionate listener and comforting support in my grief after Lisa's death.
The first 2 months of our relationship were blissful. I believed I’d found my person. But just as we began settling into a rhythm together and talking of a shared future, a new side of his personality emerged, one that was demanding, entitled and demeaning. He seemed to grow restless and bored with prolonged periods of normalcy, even if we had been feeling close and in love. It seemed to excite him to start fights over the slightest of things, and especially if something happened that triggered his many insecurities. I later learned that it is a common behavior of narcissists to create "control dramas” where they can quickly elevate themselves into a position of power to mask the unbearable feeling of emptiness or insecurity they feel. Narcissists often carry a deep sense of emptiness and shame about that, so they often go about filling that void through constantly seeking sources of energetic “supply”. It’s very much a vampiric and addictive behavior where the narcissist behaves as what trauma expert Gabor Mate refers to as a “hungry ghost,” always seeking their next “fix” of energy or power. Control dramas often offer them the fix they are seeking. In my case, my ex would frequently start an argument then gaslight or withdraw love until, in my confusion, resignation, or emotional exhaustion, I would go to him and apologize. The cycle would repeat 2-3 times/week. For myself and many victims of narcissists, this cycle results in severely draining their victims of energy, life force, confidence and self esteem.
Just 6 months into my relationship, the effects of this repeated cycle were devastating. I found myself over the Christmas holiday standing naked at 90 pounds in my parent's shower feeling utterly powerless and on the verge of insanity. I recall looking down at my inverted belly button and beating my chest with my fist because my heart had been pounding for nearly 2 months straight. It felt as if a drip line had been attached to my solar plexus, as each day my will to live drained from my body. This had the mental effect of putting me into fight or flight mode where my brain responded with large amounts of adrenaline and cortisol as if I was existing in a constant life threatening situation (I was!). My metabolism sky rocketed and no matter how much I ate, I only found myself losing more weight. The world around me turned gray and things I used to find joy in such as nature, had no effect.
Ironically, one year after Lisa had come to live with me, suicidal and with Complex Trauma, I was in the exact same state. It's a dangerous place to be in for long. It's where death energy and despair takes a hold of you. It took everything in me over the next year to fight for my life. I'm so grateful to my parents who helped me to see what was happening to me. What I understand now is that, like Lisa, I also had complex PTSD. It took 2 years to heal enough to fully function again, and it’s taken me even longer to make sense of the experience.
I am so grateful to my family who helped me to see what was happening to me. I also want to thank my ex's former wife who, like an angel, came to my aid spending hours talking with me and sharing her own experiences of being with him. It was so validating to hear that I wasn't crazy and to see that, contrary to his claims, she wasn't crazy either. This is the effect of long-term gaslighting, another manipulation tool of the narcissist where they intentionally create doubt about their victim’s experience and perception of reality. This is when extreme self-doubt can set in. The victim eventually turns on themselves, believing they are losing their sanity. If there is no intervention, the person’s ability to make good and healthy decisions for themselves can be compromised resulting in a dangerous downward trauma spiral, as was the case with my friend Lisa.
Before this occurred, I didn't believe this kind of sinister Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde personality could enter my life. I felt strong, empowered, self aware, and with good boundaries. But it did happen to me. Now that I know the signs of narcissism and sociopathy I can see that these personality types were always around. I could easily sense the overtly dangerous ones: the Jeffrey Epsteins, the Harvey Weinsteins, the Ann Coulters, and Donald Trumps. What I could not detect so clearly were the more covert, quiet ones. Those with full NPD aren't always boisterous ego-maniacs like Donald Trump or over-achieving, charismatic like Bill Clinton. Many appear normal. My ex was a quiet intellectual, creative writer, and English professor with a daily meditation practice. He had a lot of great qualities that easily masked his darker, malevolent side.
I cannot stress enough how incredibly important it is to reach out for support when finding yourself in a relationship where the ground seems to be constantly shifting underneath you, where your reality is regularly called into question, and where you feel your energy and life force is being drained. Complex trauma is a progressive state and when in full effect, one is not often capable of seeing clearly and making sound decisions on their own behalf. Early intervention is so important.
Narcissism as a disorder is rooted in insecurity and low self-worth. Through my own healing journey and self inquiry I’ve been surprised and humbled to see that, at times in my life, my own insecurity has caused me to act superior and dismiss, judge, and criticize others. A blessing that came out of my experience with my ex was the harsh realization that I too had some narcissistic traits. I call it a blessing because it has shed light on parts of myself that were screaming for attention and healing and that because of my shame, I wasn’t willing to look at or acknowledge.
What remains in the shadows of our psyches can’t be healed. We as a culture must be willing to take a hard look in our own psychic basements and dark corners where those wounded parts of us exist. That’s probably the biggest obstacle to healing narcissism, is overcoming one’s shame enough to see that these disowned parts of us are operating on auto-pilot and hurting other people. I’m grateful for the support of good friends, family, therapists, and energy healers who have helped me to heal much of my shame and insecurity and to lovingly bring these parts of myself out of the shadows into my conscious awareness.
Another blessing has been a new ability to relate to others who have been abused or who have experienced trauma. It's widened my capacity to be with people in their pain and has opened my heart with so much compassion for anyone who has gone through this or something similar. It’s taken years but I can now say I’m grateful for those experiences which taught me so much about myself, enabled me to heal, as well as to more quickly and easily recognize some of these traits in others and establish strong boundaries when necessary.
Because narcissism is so prevalent in our culture, I believe it's up to each one of us to ask ourselves the hard questions: have we exhibited these behaviors, and why? What may have happened to us in our childhoods that cause us to judge, shame, belittle or mistreat others, or feel so disconnected from life that we know no other way to feel connected than to drain/siphon energy from others?
Once you've done the hard work of identifying how and why you behave in these ways, then you can bring a loving and compassionate approach to healing it reminding yourself that this is a cultural disease and that nothing is inherently wrong with you. Through seeking out trusted professionals to help, we can feel safe to allow our insecure, disempowered parts to be seen. In my experience, allowing others I trusted to see me in my shame was the biggest healing. To allow others to lovingly witness and guide me to the darkest places of my psyche dissolved the fear and power it had over me for so many years. It was a huge sigh of relief to be seen in my wholeness and not rejected. Being guided to look at these most wounded parts of myself with loving and compassionate eyes made all the difference.
Shame can only exist in darkness. Once we shed a gentle light on it, we see it for what it is, often a wounded child who was made wrong at some point and internalized the belief that they are wrong or bad.
Ultimately I believe the solution lies in “recreating the village,” offline, in our real lives where and however we can. Narcissism isn't going to go away until we are getting our primordial needs for belonging and true community met, where we are surrounded by people who know us, see us, and can lovingly reflect our blind spots back to us. I think it's becoming increasingly apparent that social media and technology are not the answer to our disconnection and are, in fact, creating more disconnection and narcissism.
If you think you may be in a relationship with a manipulative person, you probably are. If you find yourself self-isolating, walking on eggshells, doubting your intuition, feeling small around them, drained of energy and joy, or stuck in a cycle of extreme highs and lows that is exhausting you, tell someone you trust and ask for support. It's also important to do your own research. Read everything you can about narcissism, and the co-dependent/narcissist “trauma-bond.” You may also have to educate those around you who only see the "charming" side of your partner. I highly recommend finding a trauma-based therapist and do not let them or anyone mis-diagnose you with Borderline Personality Disorder. Complex trauma and Borderline have many of the same symptoms but the treatments are very different. Many, like my friend Lisa, are misdiagnosed. It compounded her trauma to be misdiagnosed, as well as denied her the right form of treatment that could have saved her life.
Unfortunately those with extreme NPD are considered by many in the psychology establishment to have a life sentence. The very nature of the disorder prevents them from recovering because they are believed to be incapable of looking at themselves objectively, much less willing to heal their shame. If you think you may be in a relationship with someone with extreme narcissism, it is recommended to leave and go “no contact” or to limit communication as much as possible. Attempting to lead them to healing or to help them could have devastating impacts on your emotional and mental wellbeing.
The road to recovery from narcissistic abuse can feel long. It’s vital to get trauma therapy and to lean into understanding and supportive friends and family who can remind you of your value. Most of all, it’s important to remind yourself of who you know yourself to be. You are uniquely precious and good and deserve relationships with others who see and want to celebrate you.
A few resources:
Narcissism expert Dr Ramani
Book: Should I Stay or Should I Go
http://doctor-ramani.com/
11 signs you are the victim of narcissistic abuse:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/11-signs-youre-the-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse/
How narcissists get away with abusing people and come off as a good person:
http://thepowerofsilence.co/how-the-narcissist-gets-away-with-abusing-people-and-come-off-as-a-good-person/?fbclid=IwAR2lHQn8_M3b_a7mppEaECAqPmPt1gP59IfvaF6sq6p2hQvCJDCgsAxsIg8
Trauma bonding:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse
If you are on Instagram I highly recommend following:
@narcissist.psychopath.free
And
@narcandempath