4 years ago I didn't understand grief, didn't want to, and I certainly wouldn't have signed up for a grief ritual. Grief wasn't something one signed up for! Lol. It was something I tried much of my life to avoid, actually. But I think at some point in everyone's life, grief hits us so hard that it knocks us right out of our own lives, where we have no choice but to surrender. That's what happened to me in 2017. I experienced 3 traumatic events that year and for much of 2018 I laid in bed barely functional. For half a year I did very little but feel my pain and think.
If it hadn't been for those events in 2017, I would never have volunteered to take that down time. So, I'm grateful because important things can happen when you are still and silent day after day. One thing that happened to me is that I got curious about myself and started asking myself hard questions, because, well, I had the time. I had no idea what immense value would come from doing that; value that would open a whole new pathway and direction in my life.
One of those hard questions for me was, "Is ALL this grief related to those events in 2017, or is it connected to something else, something older?" As I explored that question, I began to realize there were many layers to my grief. Through exploring each layer, my life began to make sense-- why I made the choices I did, why I felt so alone much of my life, and why I carried a deep sadness since I was a child that I tried so hard to hide.
My grief went from being just a dark, heavy void to taking on an ancient mythological quality, something like exploring a dark cave with endless tunnels... Some of those tunnels were homes to abandoned parts of myself. Grief became a portal inside, a way to understand the depths of my own being and especially my wounded parts that were keeping me scared, hiding, in shame, and generally feeling unsafe in the world.
There were also layers of grief that weren't entirely mine. Some were collective, and some had been passed down ancestrally through my Mother's line. My grief went from a dark void of nothingness to a journey of self discovery.
In later 2018 I was introduced to Francis Weller's book "The Wild Edge of Sorrow," and the work of Malidoma Some and his late wife Sobonfu Some. They were a couple from Burkina Faso, Africa who are most noted for bringing concepts of community repair rituals and most notably, grief rituals, to the US. They argue that in many parts of the world and human history, expressing grief openly is a very accepted and normal part of the culture, and that sharing it communally was an important part of maintaining the health and wellbeing of the village. It was a way to share their losses and common struggles and affirm what was sacred in the community. It connected them. It is also seen as a kind of emotional hygiene that everyone is taught from a young age to tend to regularly— the idea being that by regularly releasing our grief, our bodies and minds are less burdened with life’s heaviness, thereby making us more emotionally available to experience all the beauty and joy life has to offer.
It was a powerful experience to attend community grief rituals where 100 people or more filled a space, sharing and grieving together. Feelings of shame around grief I'd carried my whole life began to dissolve. I understood nothing was wrong with me, that many others held long standing grief too simply by living in such a fragmented, fear-based, disconnected and material culture. Finding the courage to bring my grief out from under the covers and into community was deeply healing for me. I felt an acceptance and sense of real communal connection and belonging I'd never felt before. I was able to fully embrace my deeply feeling, sensitive nature.
That newfound self acceptance combined with a regular personal grief practice brought me back to life. I felt lighter in my body and a new childlike joy, marvel, and excitement for life return.
Those experiences have led to leading my own group and personal grief rituals for others in nature. Grief tending has become an important part of my life and work with others. Something I felt ashamed of much of my life has ironically become something my life is now in service to.
I believe the pandemic has been one of those life altering experiences that has knocked us right out of our lives. Only this time, everyone got hit at once. Suddenly we were all forced into relative stillness. Inevitably, the layers of grief that everyone had gotten so good at ignoring with busyness began surfacing and this time it was much harder to escape.
The past few years of tending to my own grief as well as the grief in my community has unexpectedly prepared me for the collective grief that is surfacing in our increasingly unstable world.
If you've been feeling confused, uneasy, heavy, angry, irritable, frustrated, lonely, scared, or even numb, chances are grief is right underneath. I invite you to check out my grief offerings here. I’m here to support you in your grief.